An End to Swiping

We’ve (and I am guilty of this) gotten so that we rely heavily on right swipes to find love, and/or sex. Swiping is sterile, conversations are edited to make us seem more appealing than we truly are, and while most people get lucky occasionally, maybe we should go back to being ourselves and meeting people the old fashioned way, ugly drunk at last call.

But if you don’t drink, or you’re shy, or your mother never taught you to bat your eye lashes there are a few ways to meet people in person, and a few more ways to express your exact interest in these people you’ve me in person. A few of my better strategies can be found blow.

Drop your wallet

No one really likes a klutz, but the reason that romantic comedies rely so heavily on girls bumbling around like giant dopes is because they get noticed. If you aren’t drawing suitors by just existing take the trope from the movies and play it up. A wallet on the ground means you are exposed (but in a way that won’t get the police called on you!) use that to your advantage.

And don’t just get noticed because you are flustered, show your intention. A wallet that spills cash screams, “I’m ready for a relationship, and I can support you, even if I’m only a 3!” A wallet that flings a condom or two across the floor says, “Please, just give me sex and get out of my hair.”

You’re going to attract the right people by sending the right message, stay on message, even when things get confusing. Though if you’ve read this and are wondering what would happen if your wallet vomited both cash and condoms, call me, we may be down for the same thing*.

Touch someone

Contact is something we’ve gotten away from, and maybe it’s because middle aged clients are always trying to motorboat us (I can’t be the only one this has happened to) or maybe it’s because helicopter parents are super scared of the spread of MRSA, but it’s an effective way to meet someone. Touch grabs their attention, forces them to notice you.

If you go this route remember the rules of good touching and bad touching that you were taught as a child, don’t touch anyone in their bathing suit areas. You will not get the recreation you want by assaulting someone, trust me on this one.

There are ways that touching someone can convey intention, arms are nice, polite. Waists are sexy and direct. Backs are a big area so they can be both, depending on how arm or waist centric the touch is.

Be wary of your signals, if you start with low back touching, whisk someone to your bed then hold their hand, Payam, they’re going to assume that you want to see them more than once or twice. Hands are special, they are off limits unless you are thinking about putting a ring on it.


Ask for help

Helplessness and confusion are fantastic ways to engage with someone. Maybe you need a book recommendation or maybe you can’t reach something on a high shelf, just ask someone around you.

The intention on this one is a bit harder to read, I don’t assume the women asking for shoe advice in Target are coming on to me, they may just want help, so you need to make it clear that you’ve chosen them to solve this problem for you.

If your are looking to shag go to the grocery store and wait for a suitable mate to appear, then ask them if they think an easily sexualized fruit is ripe. Sure, you’re going to look dumb asking hot dudes if the plantain is ready to go, but you will get some, eventually. If you want more commitment than a couple of molested kiwis, try the hardware store. Little projects need lots of advice, and if you’re smart you’ll get an offer for help. The idea is to appear a little more dumb than you are. If your curtain rod sags after this potential suitor hangs it, you can always head to the grocery store for a consolation prize.


Good luck.

I’d love to hear your ideas. Don’t be afraid to share.


*Which is not paid sex, I have a real job you guys, I want a relationship, and sex, and to be left alone most of the time, unless I don’t want to be left alone, ok. Why is that so hard to find?

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